Wicked! X-posted from a comment on this post by Nurse Kim/Emergiblog:

Rumor has it that “The Answer Nurse” will be touring, once again to be interviewed here at Emergiblog!

So think of all the questions you always wanted to ask a nurse but were afraid to know. The Answer Nurse requests that only questions denoting a proper social demeanor be posed, as anything of an inappropriate nature disrupts her delicate constitution.

Heh. Wait'll you get a load of me. Here goes:


Now I must engage a profound issue or struggle or confusion or consternation of modernity.

I confess, like many such young, inexperienced, greenhorn, of-the-all-thumbs doctors, I am male.

Here's a picture of me in my shaggy days

As such, unless I engage in such banter, first-name-basisness, familiarity, shameless praise, jocularity, obsequiousness, black medical humor, unbelievably contorted expressions of sympathy, affected apparent world-weariness and the distant far-seeing horizon-scanning characteristic of rugged, craggy, uncompromising ownership of turf in my ward, (ER excepted: All those participating in the care of the mind-numbingly abusive, recalcitrant, and unwieldly subset of humanity that presents to my ER on a torrential basis automatically are allied and united against them) the nurses will thereupon commence to "train," "educate," "be-spine-ify," and otherwise mercilessly and cruelly torture "The Intern" thusly:

1. The infamous "Tylenol call": [15 minutes after innocently, sympathetically bundling the deliriously bleary-eyed intern off to bed, amazingly exactly the moment after head hits pillow, during satisfied exhalation of blissful relaxation--after a 2-hour fruitless code and 1-hour marathon harangue by enraged relatives at the worthless so-called-doctor who killed their beloved Grandma] "Um, so sorry to BOTHER you, DOCTOR, but poor Mrs. Potts in Bed 15 A had a headache, and you know how thin her blood is, and I was wondering if I could just give her a tylenol to take the edge off?" [fully knowing that the nearly-demented intern, having taken an incoherent 10-second sign-out on the patient 8 long hours ago, vaguely remembers something about a questionable intracranial hemmorhage on CT 8 years previously in this completely demented 89 year old female, and thus is obligated to extricate himself from ecstacy of pillow and bed, dragging himself to evaluate at the bedside this abusive, violently bitter old hag for headache.]

2. Strategic use of refusal to bedpan/blood culture/maintain a ventilator/start a medicated drip based on obscure citatations of "hospital/union policy" .
3. Careful application of selective incompetence, especially with respect to IV's, nasogastric tubes, dressing changes, and multiple demanding family members.

4. Sequential scheduled breaks at the start of visiting hours, resulting in multiple nursing hand-offs and complete hysterical breakdown of hapless intern while running about trying to find nurses, techs, hell, ANYBODY, to change diapers and prepare bedpans for every patient on the floor finally, or in some cases, mysteriously, receiving simultaneous bowel clean out [Golytely = projectile diarrhea] and long-ignored, subsequently more and more powerful laxative orders. Utter perfection.

5. Reporting critical laboratory findings, pathology reports, and changes in clinical status only to attendings, and carrying out subsequent orders without notifying interns, consequently rendering the by now twitching and wretched intern completely out of the loop of actual medical care, appearing hopelessly incompetent to superiors. Ah, sweet victory.

6. Complete, total, and jealous ownership of every tech/housekeeper/computer geek/social worker, all medical supplies, and every actually working critical piece of office equipment behind assinine coded doors.

...


My question is, how does this process change if the doctor is female, single, and good-looking?


--the Emergencist
Disrupting Delicate Constitutions 24/7.  ¶ 5:07 AM